Seven months. Yikes.

So it has been a whole seven months since I updated the blog.  I went to visit a lovely friend who said that she still checked it every now and again and she spurred me to come back to it.

In truth there have been some lovely bits in the last seven months and also some not so lovely bits.  In my last post I wrote about our new addi­tion, Luna.  She sadly died in Sep­tem­ber just 3 short months of being with us and at only 5 months old.  We woke up to find her very poorly and after a trip and stay in the vets, we were told that she was suf­fer­ing and noth­ing more could be done and the deci­sion was made.  The hus­band stayed with her and we were all very sad and cried.  The boys still talk about her every now and again but sadly Baby­boy will prob­a­bly never remem­ber his first best friend.

On a more cheery note, the house now has a ten, a seven and a two year old.  I am still stunned that this keeps hap­pen­ing, they keep get­ting older and grow­ing up.  Surely they are the same sweet squishy bun­dles that I can sniff and squeeze, rather than the walk­ing talk­ing bun­dle of boys that shout, scream and run wild.

I’m cur­rently sat at the table, with Baby­boy tuck­ing into a yogurt and some cheerio’s (the break­fast choice of tod­dlers) we are chat­ting, in a way that most wouldn’t under­stand and I am struck with just how utterly grate­ful I am.  My three won­der­ful boys. I’m a very happy lady.

A new addition.

We have a new addi­tion.  Her name is Luna and she is a 12 week old boxer puppy.

Best Friends

Luna and baby­boy are already well and truly best friends, he feeds her treats, she licks his ears, it’s like a match made in heaven.  Cur­rently she is sat snor­ing at my feet and fart­ing like a trooper, so she fit into the House of Boys very well.  We are pretty much stuck in the house as she hasn’t had all her jabs yet so whilst we are lov­ing the sun­shine, no doubt it will all dis­ap­pear just in time for her first walk.

What happens when teenage parents grow up

The Hus­band and I were teenage par­ents, ok we were at the older end of the spec­trum in that I was 18 and he was 19 so we were both offi­cially adults, but we were still well in our teens and way below the nation aver­age which stands 29 years old. Our boys have never suf­fered due to the fact and actu­ally the way we par­ent the baby boy now in our late 20’s, early 30’s is very sim­i­lar to the way we par­ented the big boy in our teens.

Recently though I have been won­der­ing how much being a teenage par­ent has affected my life.  I went from being a teenager to a par­ent with­out tak­ing a breath.  Per­son­ally I strug­gle with who I am, I always have and it actu­ally took doing a coun­selling course to fig­ure out that I am not just a mother and a wife but instead I am a per­son in my own right, who that is though, might require another course.

It appears in strange and mys­te­ri­ous ways, I am cur­rently strug­gling to find a style for me, it might seem triv­ial for some but I was trans­ported from my teens into moth­er­hood.  I didn’t dress like I was 20, I dressed like my mother, I totally skipped my 20’s in the sense that I didn’t go off to uni, I didn’t get the oppor­tu­nity to mature to the age I am now, I have felt nearly 30 for the last 10 years.

So now I fight with what I should wear?  How should I have my hair? I am at odds with how my body looks, when I think about the child like ( I was a late devel­oper lol) body I had before chil­dren I am left with an unob­tain­able pre preg­nancy image, I doubt highly that I will ever be 7.5stone again, well unless I hap­pen to lose a leg or some­thing, so I am left feel­ing that my men­tal image of myself doesn’t quite match what I see in the mirror.

I would not change my life, not for a sec­ond, I just wish I had got to know myself a bit bet­ter first, either that or I get Gok Wan on the case :-)

Knitting.

Well I am try­ing des­per­ately to not fall into the oh haven’t I been naughty in neglect­ing the blog blah blah blah, truth is things here have been crazy, some big changes, some small and in truth I haven’t known what or how to write it all down but I will do eventually.

So in a bid to get back to blog­ging I am going to start with some­thing good, well I think it is, I have started knit­ting.  I know I know its the wrong time of year but I fig­ure this way the boys will be all set up for woolly good­ness by the time win­ter rolls round and most of all don’t for­get  I am new to knit­ting so in all like­li­hood any­thing I start now might just been fin­ished in time.

I have found Rav­elry and have spent (read wasted) many an hour search­ing for projects, so far I have made a cowl for me and a hat for baby­boy, last night while hunt­ing for some­thing new I came across a pat­tern for sack­boy, from the PS3 game Lit­tle Big Planet and the big two boys put in their request for one each.  So check out my crazy knit­ting skills so far.

Look­ing pretty good I think.

Accidental Attatchment Parenting

Can you become an attach­ment parent?

I am sure I wasn’t with the first two but some­how I find myself well in the realms of attach­ment par­ent­ing.  I am still breast­feed­ing my baby (who is 1 yr old and he has teeth and every­thing) I carry him in a sling rather than have him in a pram, I have no prob­lem co-sleeping when he won’t set­tle in the cot but I can’t decide if this makes me an attach­ment par­ent or a bit lazy, I like the path of least resistance.

We nat­u­rally devel­oped a rou­tine, as baby boy was born at home on a Sun­day night. When Mon­day morn­ing came so did the school run and I got up at 7.30am to get the boys up and dressed for school even though the Hus­band actu­ally took them.  So we have get up times and school run times but we don’t have milk times or nap times because they have to fit in around what is hap­pen­ing dur­ing the day.  I find that this way saves my san­ity which you will under­stand if you have ever had any­where you need to be and the baby falls asleep or needs feed­ing just as you run out of the door.

I am really enjoy­ing the way that our fam­ily works and although some­times I just wish I could be that lit­tle bit more organ­ised it isn’t some­thing that lasts for very long.

Not Happy

I am not very happy, I feel sad and it is crush­ing down on my chest, I worry about lots of things all the time, usu­ally about me not being good enough, it is some­thing that plagues me and has done for as long as I can remember.

Con­tinue read­ing